sorry i havent posted in so long things have been chaotic!
But good news, i am finally back on track =)
today my intake was -10.5, yay!!!!!
i can already feel my tummy getting flatter =)
after having to eat so much over spring break (i went to san francisco, resturants with my family for EVERY MEAL) losing is easy!
Especially when i have two hours of lacrosse practice every tday. My coach is pushing us so hard to get us into shape. The effects are great!
Im re-reading wasted, i absolutley love that book!
If you havent been able to tell by all the exclamation marks and smiley faces, im in a great mood.
I hope you all are doing well!
<3
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Sunday, March 14, 2010
I am back
Im back from the hospital and i feel so huge =(. I had to get new jeans today and i was size two! i used to be size zero, i feel disgusting!
Ive been having such trouble getting my diet back on track, after eating such much in the hospital my cravings are much worse. but i am determined, i will be thin, i will never give up.
<3
Ive been having such trouble getting my diet back on track, after eating such much in the hospital my cravings are much worse. but i am determined, i will be thin, i will never give up.
<3
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
shhh
still at the hospital, it's awful. But the silly doctors and nurses are leaving me alone for now so im using the computer outside to post a bit.
i really really hate this, they feed me until my stomach feels like it will explode and then some.
I dont know how much i weigh and it's killing me.
Two more days (hopefully) then im out. Im so glad this isnt normal IP for anorexic patients, they couldnt prove i have an ED because i eat when i need to, to prove to my family im fine. i said i had just lost some weight from lacrosse starting that was all. besides im huuuuuuge, how could i be anorexic?
My boyfriend wrote me a letter. I wish i was like him, he eats everything but i can still see all his bones. He doesnt even like bones =(. I love him but we're so different. maybe thats what makes us work for now, he is happy and tells me everything. Whereas i am quite often depressed and i hate sharing things.
Trust makes you vulnerable. My best friend and i told eachother everything. Then he went and told the councelor (3 times) and some girl who i hardly know because he was "concerned". He is a drama queen who just wanted attention. He is a hypocrite who calls himself a mormon and then embraces his sexual cravings. He is a lyer who acts one way around a certain person and then a different way around everyone else. He said he loved me, said i was like his sister then he betrayed me. His mistake was telling me all his secrets in exchange for some of mine. I am going to become painfully thin to prove to him i can, to show him that he has no contol over me.
sorry my rant is over now, this is a long post but i don't want to stop writing and go back to my hospital bed. I getting fatter, i can feel it wrapping around me, its suffocating. =( when i get away from this im going to starve like never before.
<3
i really really hate this, they feed me until my stomach feels like it will explode and then some.
I dont know how much i weigh and it's killing me.
Two more days (hopefully) then im out. Im so glad this isnt normal IP for anorexic patients, they couldnt prove i have an ED because i eat when i need to, to prove to my family im fine. i said i had just lost some weight from lacrosse starting that was all. besides im huuuuuuge, how could i be anorexic?
My boyfriend wrote me a letter. I wish i was like him, he eats everything but i can still see all his bones. He doesnt even like bones =(. I love him but we're so different. maybe thats what makes us work for now, he is happy and tells me everything. Whereas i am quite often depressed and i hate sharing things.
Trust makes you vulnerable. My best friend and i told eachother everything. Then he went and told the councelor (3 times) and some girl who i hardly know because he was "concerned". He is a drama queen who just wanted attention. He is a hypocrite who calls himself a mormon and then embraces his sexual cravings. He is a lyer who acts one way around a certain person and then a different way around everyone else. He said he loved me, said i was like his sister then he betrayed me. His mistake was telling me all his secrets in exchange for some of mine. I am going to become painfully thin to prove to him i can, to show him that he has no contol over me.
sorry my rant is over now, this is a long post but i don't want to stop writing and go back to my hospital bed. I getting fatter, i can feel it wrapping around me, its suffocating. =( when i get away from this im going to starve like never before.
<3
Thursday, February 25, 2010
hospital
today during lacrosse, i collasped. they made me go to the doctor my weight had dropped since 110 this morning to 108. Making my bmi "anorexic". They are making me stay in the hospital for a week or longer to watch my weight and help it go up, not IP but i have to see a councelor and eat three meals and 2 snacks a day. I cant't believe this, im not even thin yet. I'll need you all so much more when i get back<3
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Memento Mori
uggh so i havent had any junk food in the last three days which feels great
but ive been eating TWO meals a day over the weekends, like a normal person. But im not a normal person, i dont have a normal metabolism, or body, or mind set so this needs to stop.
8 days 'til i can put my plan into action =) lacross has alreay started (we practice in the snow...yay)
but i still need a new scale and pills then i shall be all set =)
i have a date tonight which normally i'd look forward to but i feel huge =( so when he touches my stomach im going to hate myself.
Stay Strong everyone
<3
but ive been eating TWO meals a day over the weekends, like a normal person. But im not a normal person, i dont have a normal metabolism, or body, or mind set so this needs to stop.
8 days 'til i can put my plan into action =) lacross has alreay started (we practice in the snow...yay)
but i still need a new scale and pills then i shall be all set =)
i have a date tonight which normally i'd look forward to but i feel huge =( so when he touches my stomach im going to hate myself.
Stay Strong everyone
<3
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
sic transit gloria
i feel like ive lost a pound or two. maybe my body is tricking me, dream gratification?
wish i knew but my scale is is still broken *sigh*.
oh well i will carry on! =) ive decided to go 30 days without junk food starting tomorrow and ending march 20th.
Junk food:
candy
chips
crackers
anything greasy or fried
ice cream
soda
cake
brownies
cookies
fast food (not really an issue, im vegetarian and not many fast food places cater to that)
this'll be great, junk food always makes me feel so disgusting after eating it. Plus it has tons of fat. though anything made of wheat is fairly fattening too, so if i must eat wheat, it'll be whole grain.
some reverse thinspo, sorry if it offends anyone i just find it very helpful.
this looks like me after i eat =(
stay strong
<3
wish i knew but my scale is is still broken *sigh*.
oh well i will carry on! =) ive decided to go 30 days without junk food starting tomorrow and ending march 20th.
Junk food:
candy
chips
crackers
anything greasy or fried
ice cream
soda
cake
brownies
cookies
fast food (not really an issue, im vegetarian and not many fast food places cater to that)
this'll be great, junk food always makes me feel so disgusting after eating it. Plus it has tons of fat. though anything made of wheat is fairly fattening too, so if i must eat wheat, it'll be whole grain.
some reverse thinspo, sorry if it offends anyone i just find it very helpful.
this looks like me after i eat =(
stay strong
<3
Monday, February 15, 2010
on to the next one
ok i have a new game plan =)
first off lacross is starting in less than a week so that is guarenteed to burn some calories plus ill have no time to binge between that and band and school.
Second i get my license in 13 days!!!! so im going to borrow my dad's car drive up to walmart and purchase some laxatives, diet pills (im thinking alli, ive heard it works quite well), caffine pills (i get so tired) and a new scale (mine is broken ugh its very frustrating).
So i have a perfect place to hide the pills but the scale will be tricky, ill manage though.
From now on 500 is my max calorie intake, ive been going with 800 but it feels too big.
im going to excercise more, i know i can get away with a n hour a day on the nordic track (burns a little over 400 calories). I love the way excercising feels =)
im so excited!!!
hope everyone is doing this well.
<3
first off lacross is starting in less than a week so that is guarenteed to burn some calories plus ill have no time to binge between that and band and school.
Second i get my license in 13 days!!!! so im going to borrow my dad's car drive up to walmart and purchase some laxatives, diet pills (im thinking alli, ive heard it works quite well), caffine pills (i get so tired) and a new scale (mine is broken ugh its very frustrating).
So i have a perfect place to hide the pills but the scale will be tricky, ill manage though.
From now on 500 is my max calorie intake, ive been going with 800 but it feels too big.
im going to excercise more, i know i can get away with a n hour a day on the nordic track (burns a little over 400 calories). I love the way excercising feels =)
im so excited!!!
hope everyone is doing this well.
<3
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